Contradictions, symbolism, and Freud

Before, I stated that I avoided using any form of allegory and symbolism in my work, however, since reading more into Freud's interpretation of dreams, I realized I’ve contradicted myself. 

Freud theorized that dreams are the unconscious' way of hinting to one's suppressed desires (with Freud, usually sexual desires). These desires manifest themselves as symbolic representations. 

If dreams are representations created by the unconscious, then the foreign, subversive elements that I introduce to my paintings are in fact symbolic representations that allude to the subject’s (or my) internal struggle. If I consider my canvas a dream sequence, then every element in the dream represents an internal conflict. 

Although I'm not trying to create any kind of cohesive message or narrative, in the end, representational work will always invite the viewer to question and assign meaning to what they are seeing --Regardless of my intentions. 

Pushing boundaries (Feeling lost and helpless within the canvas)

I'm going 40x30in. I'm getting tried of painting small. There's something about small paintings that feel extremely intimate and comforting —almost nostalgic. I want to achieve the exact opposite effect. I want to feel like I'm stranded in the ocean with no visible land around. I want to see the painting and feel isolated, engulfed and inconsequential to its presence. 40x30 does not achieve that yet... but it's about as large as my studio will allow. Should I make a life change and move somewhere new? I think I might. 

Detachment from subject, notes to self etc, ... (Rambling again)

Whenever I fail to make a successful painting, it is because I wanted to make something beautiful. My expectations with the painting's outcome sabotage the piece in the same way that when a person betrays my expectations, the only outcome is disappointment and frustration. 

When painting figures, I always have to mentally prepare myself before starting. I have to treat the figures like real people and take them at face value. I have to emotionally detach myself from the subject, and impartially take in visual information (planes, value and line). Figures are beautiful just for being figures, not because they are imbued with an artist's emotions. Just like any interpersonal relationship, I avoid creating a mental, finished and idealized version of the piece. 

That's why, since I started painting, I found that it's no use trying to make a perfect piece. I make so many mistakes that in the end, the image becomes a sum of it's faults, and cannot live without them. 

Thesis Ramblings Pt.1 (Don't mind me, I'm just rambling)

Up until now, I was always playing with the idea of portraying compressed time. Only I didn't know that was what I was doing. All of my work up until now has dealt with multiple scenarios in one setting. Those which don't belong in the same timeline brought together in one plane. 

I think all this stems from the my fascination with the mind. Especially, conscious thought, the subconscious, as well as the construction of memory. When recollecting an event, say, a family dinner, you may recollect specific aspects surrounding that event such as the setting, food, and whatever else, but don't just think about that dinner, other thoughts tend to invade or are occurring in tangent to that dinner. Your subconscious mind intrudes upon all conscious thought. I want to capture these intrusions.

My early work was much more immature as I couldn't exactly put my thesis into words. To make it easier, I started with existing narratives such as films. At the time, my professor described it as creating a visual novel from various sources. The idea was to displace multiple timelines and narratives to create a new narrative.

 Now, I'm working on investigating my own mind and those of others around me. Richter said that he would rather not paint at all if he were to paint something unspecific. Specificity became an essential quality for my work. I'm avoiding painting anything allegorical or symbolic as I feel it cheapens the work by establishing itself as absolute, interpretable idea, to the likes of propaganda. The best images are infinitely interpretable, or better yet, don't need to be interpreted.