Contradictions, symbolism, and Freud

Before, I stated that I avoided using any form of allegory and symbolism in my work, however, since reading more into Freud's interpretation of dreams, I realized I’ve contradicted myself. 

Freud theorized that dreams are the unconscious' way of hinting to one's suppressed desires (with Freud, usually sexual desires). These desires manifest themselves as symbolic representations. 

If dreams are representations created by the unconscious, then the foreign, subversive elements that I introduce to my paintings are in fact symbolic representations that allude to the subject’s (or my) internal struggle. If I consider my canvas a dream sequence, then every element in the dream represents an internal conflict. 

Although I'm not trying to create any kind of cohesive message or narrative, in the end, representational work will always invite the viewer to question and assign meaning to what they are seeing --Regardless of my intentions. 

Pushing boundaries (Feeling lost and helpless within the canvas)

I'm going 40x30in. I'm getting tried of painting small. There's something about small paintings that feel extremely intimate and comforting —almost nostalgic. I want to achieve the exact opposite effect. I want to feel like I'm stranded in the ocean with no visible land around. I want to see the painting and feel isolated, engulfed and inconsequential to its presence. 40x30 does not achieve that yet... but it's about as large as my studio will allow. Should I make a life change and move somewhere new? I think I might. 

Detachment from subject, notes to self etc, ... (Rambling again)

Whenever I fail to make a successful painting, it is because I wanted to make something beautiful. My expectations with the painting's outcome sabotage the piece in the same way that when a person betrays my expectations, the only outcome is disappointment and frustration. 

When painting figures, I always have to mentally prepare myself before starting. I have to treat the figures like real people and take them at face value. I have to emotionally detach myself from the subject, and impartially take in visual information (planes, value and line). Figures are beautiful just for being figures, not because they are imbued with an artist's emotions. Just like any interpersonal relationship, I avoid creating a mental, finished and idealized version of the piece. 

That's why, since I started painting, I found that it's no use trying to make a perfect piece. I make so many mistakes that in the end, the image becomes a sum of it's faults, and cannot live without them.